notes app open house

little somethings from the notes app to hold you over until I find the whatever to finish my longer essays and fiction festering/fermenting in my drafts

Will Wood fans when your favorite song is I/Me/Myself and not A Taxometrician’s Lament: an elegy for your big toe poking out from under Markov’s Blanket (Statement (begins)) aka. the Devil, you know? (it takes two to masochism tango!) ft. The Big mOther

yo mama so big she big mOther she be sMOther on my last night hahahHHAHAHA big mOther is watching

list of the most delicious words

• reification

• kaleidoscopic

• bottom-up

• syzygy

• liminal

• inextricably

• elegy

• gestalt

• caricature

• electricity

• catharsis

• elasticity

• constitutionally (in a psychological context)

• expletive

• orthogonal (carrying the connotation of vector calculus as a metaphor for life)

• incisive

• metabolize (in any context other than digestion)

• metastasize (in any context other than cancer)

• teleological

words from various contexts that i use in a weird decontexualized way in my own private symbolic system

• epicyclic: describes an increasingly complex and loopy compensation for the holes in a model (originally referring to the revision of the geocentric model of the solar system to include epicycles)

• onomatopoeic: an adjective meaning relating to the view of words that relate the texture, taste, and sound of words to their meaning (in contrast to the idea that the actual signifier has little to do with the signified)

• sedimentary: (outside of geology) adjective meaning composite, made of very many tiny parts accumulated and compressed over a long period of time

• collapse: like a collapse-able drop down menu on a website, to crumble in a way that preserves the original structure

list of my canonical outfits

most of the time I just wear clothes but occasionally i wear a Canonical Outfit

the kind of thing I would wear all the time if I were a character in a TV show

cyberFoid_01 - circuit board bodysuit, black corset, amazon basics skirt, black w/ white stripes thigh-high socks

• meme abt it went viral

• wonderfully archetypal

• feel like a victorian dandy accurately describing twenty-first century technology in his delusions but reincarnated as a transgender programmer

• sadomasochistic undertones with the restrictiveness of the corset interfacing with the onset of the industrial age desire to treat the body like a machine

• cartesian dissociation from the body

cyberFoid_02 - circuit board bodysuit, denim shortalls, one blue striped thigh high sock and one blue screen of death knee high sock on other foot

• first worn at university orientation

• invokes the Born Sexy Yesterday trope with its childish yet futuristic design, and itty bitty teeny tiny booty shorts for their nonchalant attractiveness

• feel like a cyborg exercising bodily autonomy to meld with the machine or perhaps a rogue android exercising agency they’re not supposed to have, observing humanity from a distance but with profound childlike wonder

• also cartesian disassociation from the body but a little more messy, uneven, composite, ironic, like a cyborg in the donna haraway sorta way

Fashionable_Nonsense - any combination of clothing and accessories associated with 2019 egirls or 2020 alt with pink freud shirt, with rainbow eyeshadow

• includes favorite shirt ever

• title a reference to Sokal’s critique of the appropriation of mathematical/scientific concepts by philosophy and psychoanalysis

• do i like freud? do i hate him? no one knows but i do look like someone interested in psychology

• can use as a conversation starter to discuss psychoanalysis

• makes mom mad cuz rainbows r gay

• like, sometimes a rainbow is just a rainbow! (this isnt one of those times)

2014_tumblr_physics_major - particle tracks t-shirt, black tights, starry mesh undershirt, black shorts, white socks, boots, optional leather jacket

• feel like a physics major whose academic and intellectual interests matured over the years, but whose aesthetic taste in fashion is stuck in 2014 tumblr

• the paradoxical aesthetic of the particle tracks looking like chaotic or childish scribbles but actually formed from precise measurements of the movement of particles

• the chaos and mystery of science

test_subject_0346: oversized brain games center tshirt, white and black striped sweater, white pleated skirt, white shoes

• shirt from a research conference but they ran out of small and medium

• shapeless oversized shirt feels comfortably de-personalized and de-humanized

• abundance of white and slightly uniform style feels like you are a test subject who fullfulls its sole purpose, to exist and be studied

diagnosing my favorite albums

Girl With Basket of Fruit by Xiu Xiu -

PTSD, Schizoaffective Disorder

A Promise by Xiu Xiu - Major Depressive Disorder with psychotic features

1000 gecs - Autism, ADHD

Detrimentalist by Venetian Snares - ADHD

SELF-iSH by Will Wood - Bipolar 1 with psychotic features, Borderline Personality Disorder, Substance Use Disorder

Public Void by Penelope Scott - Adjustment Disorder with Depressed Mood

Lemon Boy by cavetown - Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder

People Who Can Eat People by AJJ - Bipolar type 2, Substance Use Disorder

Hawaii Part II by Miracle Musical - Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder Stratosphere by Duster - Schizoid Personality Disorder

Shop: A Pop Opera by Jack Stauber - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Fright Makes Right by Coughs - Schizophrenia

Don’t Piss On Me, I’m Already Dead by Crywank - Major Depressive Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder

books that were important to me

elementary school

• Charlotte’s Web

• the phantom toolbooth

• BabySitters Club

• A Dash of Magic (Bliss Bakery 2)

• The Wishing Spell (The Land of Stories)

• Warriors Cats

• Percy Jackson

• Frindle

• Sisters by Raina Telegemier

• Bridge to Terabithia

middle school

• The Giver

• The Fault in Our Stars

• 1984

• All the Answers

• Things Not Seen

• The State of Grace

• The Fourteenth Goldfish

• Notes From An Accidental Band Geek

• Awkward

• Counting by 7’s

high school

• speak

• fight club

• enter title here

• we are the ants

• at the edge of the universe

• a little life

• challenger deep

• the divided self

year and a half of college

• Madness and Modernism

• The Center Cannot Hold

• We

• Females

• trans girl suicide museum

• Strangers to Ourselves

• Psychoanalytic Diagnosis

list of words that are cooler hyphenated

i <3 hyphens

i love words i hate words i love words i hate words i love words i hate words

may-be

re-presentation

in-dividual

sophist-icated

under-stand

organ-ize

re-cog-nize

mis-take

e-motion

class-ification (too obvi but class as in social class)

mono-sylla-bic

poly-sylla-bic

girls after stealing Ian McGilChrist’s habit of hyphenating words not typically hyphenated to emphasize ways of knowing (new)

(savoir/connaitre en francais)

girls when they interact with the world on the wrong zoom setting as if they were trying to read a book with their face too close to the page or too far away

list of my pet peeves

sporks

wattpad-esque epithets in fanfic

high top shoes with too short socks

knee high socks advertised as thigh high

when people wear merch related to René Magritte’s famous painting of a pipe on a T-shirt or something and it says “Ceci n’est pas un T-shirt” like thats a fcking T-shirt! not an image of a T-shirt, it completely changes the original meaning!

stress balls (worst fidget ever)

face masks (disgusting sensory hell why would i place a damp cloth or some suspiciously chunky mixture all over my face and call it “relaxing” and “self-care”)

why is black and white thinking associated with trauma

its because in order to tolerate ambiguity and complexity you need to consider things in their context

and if you have trauma, you can’t connect things moment to moment, the schemas are broken, you define moderation with respect to the enviroonment but you can’t respect your environment

my pictograms (playing pictionary with my own subconscious)

intro psych iceberg id-ego-superego diagrams/ water as metaphor for the unconscious/ psychoanalytic concept of psychosis as ego decompensation—>water/trench metaphor for psychosis /being keelhauled against the barnacles stuck the bottoms of words (that Haraway quote)

the architectural jungle of 90-degree angles are bridged hyperbolically by the spiders, challenger deep quote, psychoanalytic mommy issues interpretation, the muller-lyer il

stroke me continuously like a needle to align my quivering muscle fibers, the miracle of magnetism pointing back to you.

halogens/alkaline elements as metaphor for borderline personality organization

my limbs and torso morphing into a narcissistic appendage

there are optical illusions everywhere for those with the eyes to see

streetlights reflected onto glistening asphalt

fetishism of objects is an unconscious desire for subjectivity (to be the one desiring, rather than to be desired)

desire is stratified like the steps of an escalator separating as they rise

she got drunk on nouns but, she got high on verbs (they r making out sloppy style)

my mom tried so hard to be a refrigerator mother that she became an oven mother

fake ass hedonophobe i saw you listening to charli xcx and romanticizing the dionysian party girl aesthetic

me when i hoard potentiality like a blue jay sifting through soil

fucking the dsm to the page on frotteurism

mapping things on spectrums/on the spectrum pun

neurotypicals are mind readers

melting the icebergs of consciousness into the collective unconscious due to global warming

the industrial piercing and its consequences have been a disaster for my left ear

performing a heimlich maneuver to get the bathwater out of the baby as it cicles the drain

the tower of babel was destroyed in the aftermath of god’s suicide before it was even erected! is that the tower of babel or is god just happy to see me?

the abstract brutalist structures crashing sound of concrete against concrete sedimentary sidewalks movement when listening to music makes it better/movement of a classical piece/clapping at the wrong times

working memory? yeah sure hope it does

flossing with cheesewire, straining meaning outta it with cheesecloth